It was originally announced as only a 430-something ft blast even with the continuation, which we knew to be patently ridiculous only because of the ability to use the eye organ and high school physics, in conjunction (not to be confused with physical conjunctivitis).  Thanks to this great article by fishstripes.com, we now know the ‘true’ home run distance to be around 462 feet.  Even more impressive, it is the hardest hit home run hit since they have been tracking this Sorta thing, registering at 122.6 mph.  Also according to Michael Jong of fishstripes.com, Stanton’s bomb was nearly 5 mph harder than the previous leading home run speed of 2012, which was recorded by Jose Bautista on May 15.  And when considering that there is a less than 1% chance that Bautista uses Canadian Moose Steroids (Premature Loose Speculation), that makes it all the more impressive.

‘Granger’

SortaSports.com Presents: ‘Granger’ Song Parody (Lyrics Below)

Lyrics & Vocals: Adam Wohlers
Production: Adam Wohlers, Kris Braun
Twitter: @SortaSports

‘Granger’

You know what time it is Pacer,
And you know who the hell this is. Granger!
Granger! Get on the floor! The killa right chea! Bring it!

Been so long (bring it!)
Since, he’s been wrong
So please (get on the floor!)
Show me (the killa right chea)
Why it is that you try the Heat

Go tell Dej Irie to put my hits on
I’m keepin’ you Pacers and bitches in slump from the minute I get off
Taking they jerse off, showing they tattoos,
Screamin, and hollerin’ and all
Got the gift to come up with it,
Put it together, deliver it, make them feel it, bitch I been on!
Hard! Like you built me out the prison carpenter
Bad! Like them suits hang in Pat Riley’s office
Put Pacers in coffins
They cry like dolphins
I’m the grandest physial marvel you don’t come across often so
Watch yourself!
Don’t muck around and threat and try myself
I know! Go ahead Bro
Clown that pity, fake ya class, stop that wussy
Stay in line hoe
Suck and stink, cuz you can can
Cocked up, head down, pussy droppin’ like a sand man
Leave that wussy chokin
If you gonna do something
Then send over, I’ll bust that Pacer open

Been so long (get up!)
Since, he’s been wrong (com’on wooo)
So please (get on the floor!)
Show me (the killa right chea)
Why it is that you try the Heat (bring it)

Been so long (bring it!)
Since, he’s been wrong (bring it)
So please
Show me
Why it is that you try the Heat

My struttin’ autograph line around the corner
Park my cars, Danny lookin’ like a bitch, dunkin on her!
You lookin’ hood drama?
Why? Pshh, what’s up homie?
My scene, magazines and the pub owner
Ya bitch you!
If you great, ain’t no actin like a bitch
You ain’t skilled enough
Inside cracked from the core you ain’t sealing up
The building ain’t big enough!
I’m backcourt bouncing
Adrenalin building up!
The Pacer shutter
Did I stutter?
The hard cutter
Make your wooden floors bounce like rubber
Down like Helly
Prime like Tele
My drive stellar
Quick ass strike rim jelly
Stand up, round out, shoot up and down
Tell a Pacer if he wanna try it
Then bitch come on down!
No sweat, no blood, no tears
And if I tell you you ain’t shit
Then bitch that’s what you is

Been so long (bring)
Since, he’s been wrong (say what)
So please (get on the floor!)
Show me (the killa right chea)
Why it is that you try the Heat (bring it)

Been so long (bring it!)
Since, he’s been wrong (say what)
So please (get on the floor!)
Show me (the killa right chea)
Why it is that you try the Heat

Granger
Talkin ’bout
Granger
Mother Sucker look!
Get on the floor!
The killa right chea
Granger
(Mothersucker) Watch your back!
Granger
(Look look) Pacer what! (look look)
Get on the floor!
The killa right chea
Get ‘em up!!!
Granger

Been so long (bring it, Granger)
Since, he’s been wrong
So please (get on the floor!)
Show me
Why it is that you try the Heat (the killa right chea)

Been so long (Granger!)
Since, he’s been wrong
So please (get on the floor!)
Show me (the killa right chea)
Why it is that you try the Heat

Granger
Granger
Get on the floor
The killa right chea
Bring it

Granger
Granger
Get on the floor
The killa right chea

Huh
This is my mothertruckin floor!

SortaSports.com Presents: ‘Heath Shelled’ (Lyrics Below)
Lyrics & Vocals: Adam Wohlers
Production: Adam Wohlers, Kris Braun
Twitter: @SortaSports

‘Heath Shelled’

All game starin’ at him kneeling, shakin’ heads with shadows on my balls
All night hearing voices tellin’ me that I should get some heat
Because tomorrow I’ll be good for nothin
Fold on, feelin’ like I’m headed for a send down
And I don’t know why

But I’m not lazy, I’m just abysmal Heath Bell
I know, right now command’s hell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little despaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me

I’ll walk them all myself, the club’s sick, dodging glances at the game
And I know, I know they’ve all been talkin’ ’bout me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin’ wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin’, somehow I’ve lost my prime

But I’m not lazy, I’m just a dismal Heath Bell
I know, right now I get shelled
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little bit scared
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I’ve been walkin’ every team
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re rakin’ me each day

I’m not lazy, I’m just terrible Heath Bell
I know, right now you can tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be
Well I’m just abysmal Heath Bell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I’m just a dismal Heath Bell

Blake Griffin said it best:

Lob City

‘Lob City Clips’

Lob, Lob City Clips, City Clips
Lob, Lob, Lob City Clips, City Clips
Lob, Lob, Lob City Clips, City Clips
Dunkin’ on the beat

Lob City Clips, Lob, Lob City Clips
Blake Griffin dunkin on, no pity, bitch
10 feet, from the key, pro assist
C-C Paul, you don’t know who you runnin’ wit
Got my other Clips, dunkin’ wit my other Clips
Dunkin’ all night, justa for the hell of it
Tigger say I’m too dope, I’m just shellin’ it
Star pressure, And One, Jaimaican Summer sprint
B-Bolt lever man, Pass King dealin it
S-Sprung Bunny, Sprung Bunny,Yeah, we gettin’ Clipped
Got yo fans all Sic Wit It, Ha, Perkins know what it is

Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Blake Griffin dunkin’ on, no pity, bitch

Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Blake Griffin dunkin’ on, no pity, bitch

I’m another Chuck T star (star)
Look at the Blake jump the car (car)
Too much rim shake the pride too hard
Tell that Chris, Mozgov! Total disregard

I need my bud Caron though
Get it to D-Jordan like Alonzo, Bledsoe
Randy Foy-E, like a Macho
If you ain’t got no pass, switch there’s William Mo
Kenyon-do, got Chinese back
Cameras starin’ at me, don’t get snapped
Got my jerse off, the club too stacked
It’s too burnt, smokin’ up like grass
Godddamn, pull out my SAG
Lights, Mics, Action, Clippas, yeah I’m bad
Rap-rap-rap-rap rabid Dogg on attack
All the shows love me,You know what it is

Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Blake Griffin dunkin, got no pity, bitch

Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips
Blake Griffin dunkin, got no pity, bitch

Throwin’ runners, runners
Runners, runners
Throwin’ runners, runners
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips

Runners, runners
Throwin’ runners, runners
Runners, runners
Lob City Clips
Lob, Lob City Clips

SortaSports.com Presents: ‘Marlins Motto’ – The Motto Song Parody (Lyrics Below)
Lyrics & Vocals: Adam Wohlers
Beat: packmanbeats
Production: Adam Wohlers, Kris Braun
Twitter: @SortaSports

‘Marlins Motto’

I’m a Marlins fan, ya’ll don’t get it, do ya?
Tons of money, everybody acting like they knew ya
Go Uptown, New York Mets bitch
Some Spanish guys love to live in Aventura
Tell Uncle Luke I’m out in Miami too
Club ain’t scarred, politicians are all freakin screwed
New bling, got a park out in Biscayne
Still get complaints from Hanley, ain’t shit changed
No more teal, No more teal, No more teal
3-0-5 shelling out 1-0-5 mil, uh

Brand new building with a ceiling, tax wealth
Rest in peace Mig Trade,
Hopper sent to the Rays. Oy Vey
Getting paid, we’ll holler whenever that stop
My team good, we don’t need no fat mascots
Come June, night dome, no more rain delays
Bell, Reyes, Buerle, now forget about Cespedes
Freddie G and Jack McKey in the rear-view
Shout goes out to Edwin Rod, shouts to Puerto Rico
We got Latin Ozzie Guillen as a leader
Can’t understand a single word, he ain’t an English speaker, Aaoohh

What about the Phils man?
Couldn’t seal the deal
And the Braves went ice cold
Playoff chances looking ill
Mets team now broke
And forget the Nationals
The Marlins gone International, real latins, whatsup?

Now we got a logo
South Florida going loco
Sign everyone at once: that’s the motto Twitter, LoMo
And we bout it every day, every day, every day
Like with Stanton, Gaby Sanchez, and baller Johnson J
Every day, every day, Buck and Omar Infante
Can’t sleep on E. Bonifacia
Real latins, whatsup?

One, sign, Buck one sign.
I’m calling Phillies out like the umpire
Seven, slams than a bunt
Almost drowned in the garden
So we swam to the cut

It’s Seaside, we in this bitch
Fish our hittas good, like a sea in this pitch
And if I can’t call, Mail an E: Tommy-Rich
That’s my LoMo, add a tweet to that twit

I’m bowled up, torn down
Deal twisted, Joe robbed
Tax looted, off with your bread
Bigga money talks, politician

We’re, so young money
Got a dome in the slum
Ain’t always sunny
Funny how Hanley plays sweet like sugar
Ain’t that sweet? Marlins selling suites like hookers

I, done dissed another one
Tweet, tweet, tweet: Ozzie Guillen
Oh my God, Billy, look at those duds! Minervini!

Now we got a logo
South Florida going loco
Sign everyone at once: that’s the motto Twitter, LoMo
And we bout it every day, every day, every day
Like with Stanton, Gaby Sanchez, and baller Johnson J
Every day, every day, Buck and Omar Infante
Can’t sleep on E. Bonifacia
Real latins, whatsup?

South paw, skinny pitches big balls
Buck it down, get tagged, plate maul
You uncommittal Loria, overhaul
Out of South Florida, coastal baseball
Made a switch, now expect the big draw
Sorta getting ready for a financial winfall

Ha, downtown lookin starry with the top off
While you in the pouring rain, I’m probably in a glass jar
Night, Miami Vice with the lights on
New payday, mega bucks, with millions drawn
Brawling with Scarface, Zambrano, quack in the block
Joy, back on top with a brew, Clevelander
Stars in the bag
Then Hanley up and acts, acting brand new
Stuck him at an another bag
Ani Sanchez, got Coghlan coming back
Damn, that’s the motto, throw Nolasco like that

Now we got a logo
South Florida going loco
Sign everyone at once: that’s the motto Twitter, LoMo
And we bout it every day, every day, every day
Like with Stanton, Gaby Sanchez, and baller Johnson J
Every day, every day, Buck and Omar Infante
Can’t sleep on E. Bonifacia
Real latins, whatsup?

Hey Jeff Fisher – SortaSports.com – Song Parody (Billy Idol – White Wedding)

Click here to view the embedded video.

Be sure to check out SortaSports’ Yoenis Cespedes Christmas Carol.

Wow, I’m assuming that she is around 40, considering that she has two girls now enrolled at Auburn, so by my calculations, if she is dumb now, she would have been a complete imbecile 20 years ago. In her defense, she appears to have been drinking and/ or on something that comes in a pill form. *Now, I have no direct knowledge that she is, but if you have ever been out late nights, at a crazy party, or around any middle-to-later-aged housewifes in Palm Beach, you start to gain the ability to look into someone’s eyes and say ‘that b#@ch is on something’. Maybe she was prescribed something for public speaking anxiety, or self-prescribed herself some liquid courage, which are both legal in this great country.

The funny thing is that while the pastor refers to Kristi as leaving ‘the business world’ before turning her attention to supporting her husband and others in need, what Kristi really left was her 12 year career at Conerstone Benefits, which is an ‘independent health insurance agency’ according to their website. So I can’t think of why the pastor wouldn’t just say she was leaving the ‘insurance world’. Oh wait, I get it, it’s because unless you’re selling a package that gets you to Heaven, the way insurance companies are run (especially in heathcare) isn’t generally considered very ‘Christian’ (though I have nothing defamatory to say about Cornerstone Benefits Services or their practices at the moment).

There are many other gems in this cut-up clip (tried to find a full original copy that wasn’t taken down, but could only find this one after a simple search, which is rightfully subjective). She reveals a Cam Newton crush, makes fun of Lou Holtz’s speech pattern (which many have done, but few at a Christian Leadership Summit), and dishes on how much she dislikes her own children. It’s worth watching for none other reason except to get a deeper understanding of the type of people in the USA that get to vote in local, state and federal elections, or if you like dumb blondes.

Personally, I don’t know why some would want to consider her as a Christian Leader. She is hypocritical, uninformed, has underdeveloped thoughts, lacks true empathy, and is hiding something. Wait, sorry, isn’t that the job description of many Christian Leadership positions? (It’d be funnier if it wasn’t Sorta true).

Sexy Matchup

I’m pretty sure a lot of guys were watching what I was watching last night. I’m talking hard bodies, bright colors and lots of action, but overall, a big c@#k tease. No, not The Victoria Secret Fashion Show (which I’ll get to), I’m talking about AP ranked #3 Duke vs #2 Ohio State. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to 2011-2012 NCAA college basketball season, its teams or players, at least not yet. What I can say is that Duke is pretty much always at least really good (can that be grammatically correct?) and Ohio State is really, really good right now.

Ohio State gets big handle on Duke

Now I’ve never been a Ohio State fan (especially in football), and as a Gator Alumni and fan, I’ve got some extra special feelings towards the general direction of Columbus right now (I’m sure I’ll get into that more at a later time), however, I do now feel better about the Gators losing to the Buckeyes by only seven in Columbus on November 15. After watching some of Ohio State’s throttling of Duke by 22, also in Columbus, the Gators losing to what may be the best team in the country at the moment (its always fluid) doesn’t seem so bad, especially so early in the season. Duke’s loss came on the last of a tough 3-game stretch, which started with wins against also-ranked teams Michigan and Kansas. #10 (AP) Florida plays at #4 Syracuse on Friday night, which should be a very, very, very interesting game, on many levels.

Victoria’s Secret

Much like the Ohio State – Duke game, the Victoria Secret Fashion Show also had some interesting storylines, and it was also a c@#k tease. I did flip over to the runway show a few times, but I honestly had more interest in the Jay Z and Kanye West performances, than in the models themselves. It is no secret that Victoria Secret employees some breathtakingly gorgeous women to model their undergarments.

Sorry Anja Rubik, I'm not into what little of you is left.

However, the real secret is that what seemed to be half of their models we’re at best average looking for the worst of reasons. This opinion stems from many of the sickly and grossly thin women modeling god-awful looking clothing and wings (I know, it’s ‘Fashion’, but that doesn’t make it right or appealing). On top of that, since when is rigid, boney, pointy and souless sexy when it comes to facial features? Who deemed that a good look and why? Sorry, but it doesn’t do it for me. Now I’m not saying that I’m going around turning down Victoria Secret models (or have ever even seen one in person), but I don’t care what you’re label is, a 99 lbs body on a 120 lbs frame and a frail face just doesn’t do it for me. At least that is before a few beers at a bar lacking talent…, but that’s not what I’m talking about, cause we’re talking about Victoria Secret, which should be the best of the best, not stick figures that can point. Does not apply to Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Emanuela De Paula and others of the like.

Boeheimed

Now, I wish that I had been posting a couple weeks ago when Jim Boheim made some of his first public comments about the Bernie Fine allegations. At the time, the tape of Fine’s wife publicly incriminating Fine was not made public, and a third victim had not yet come forward. And while I also was a little skeptical at first of the timing of the allegations hitting mainstream media after the Penn State scandal, learning right away (as Boeheim already knew) that the initial allegations by Bobby Davis had occurred years earlier would quickly dampen some of my skepticism. In the back of my mind I was also replaying the constant message that comes from other victims who come forward on matters of sexual abuse (or all abuse for that matter), which is that the victim(s) came forward in hopes that other victims would also come out against their abusers. So that is the whole point, however, the first reaction often of people is negative, like Boeheim’s, which is often that the accusers are doing it for the money. So when Bobby Davis’ stepbrother came out and said he was also molested by Fine, many people’s first thought was about lawsuits being the reason, when really it was about the victim(s) feeling empowered to tell the world what happened to them, and people in law enforcement and government feeling empowered (or forced) to believe them. So when this new version of this story broke amid the smoke clearing from the Happy Valley demolition, I was very surprised by Boeheim’s angry comments regarding Davis, like “It is a bunch of a thousand lies that he has told. You don’t think it is a little funny that his cousin [family member] is coming forward?”

He tried to initially play it off that these allegations only came out after the recent PSU media blitz, while he damn sure knew that the initial allegations had occurred years before. So like I said, like many I’m sure, I was a little skeptical at first, but thought: ‘these are serious allegations and I would hope that multiple people would not be making them without basis’. My thought was that Boheim would be a little smart and political about the ordeal and at worst, withold judgment publically while more facts came out, especially after how he saw public opinion and the media rip through Paterno’s Kingdom like the Huns. However, Boeheim chose another route, he ripped into the helpless peasants, the victims. The quotes alone aren’t enough, and if you’d seen the clips, you would hear the disdain in his voice for Bobby Davis and his allegations regarding Bernie Fine, who Boeheim had known for years, as he said.

Boeheimed

So the reason why I wish that I was posting of SortaSports.com at the time, was because I would have said the same thing I told my family and friends upon initially hearing Boeheim’s comments, but on record. While I was still uninformed about and slightly skeptical of the allegations by Bobby Davis and his stepbrother, Mike Lang, my initial reaction then is verbatim: “Boeheim better be f@#king right, or he’s f@#king screwed”.

So Boeheim it appears is now ‘f@#king screwed’ and I don’t feel the least bit bad about it, because he’s been twisting his own screwdriver since this story broke (in the wrong direction), and he may have been for much longer. What was amusing to me last night was Boeheim’s long press conference yesterday; not only his demeanor, which was close to that of an a$$hole (Coughlinesque if I may), but also how he not so subtly was trying to do what his lawyer(s) most likely told him to do, which was to beat to death the notion that Jim Boeheim is not Syracuse (like Paterno was Penn State), and apparently all Jim Boeheim really does is ‘call plays’ as Head Coach of Syracuse basketball. That Jim Boeheim has nothing to do with traveling arrangements, or scheduling or ball boys, and by extension one could imagine, that Boeheim has no control over his assistants, specifically Bernie Fine. So here Boeheim is sadly trying to ‘unscrew’ himself, and for that all I have to say is good luck coach, because the well appears to be pretty f@$king deep.

“I’ll give Garrett a lot of credit because he was the biggest cheerleader on the sideline. He wants Texas to win,” Texas Head Coach Mack Brown in reference to his benching of former starting QB Garrett Gilbert, who was 2 of 8 passing for 8 yards and 2 ints to start the BYU game. Brown would opt to finish the game with a QB rotation of Case McCoy, Colt’s brother, and freshman David Ash, mostly a scrambler at this point.

What's Beating Gilbert's Grapes?

Ouch, coach Brown. Talk about the ultimate nutcheck (What’s Beating Gilbert’s Grapes?). Look, I know that’s not the first time a coach, or even the player himself, has used the cheerleader line, but I just had to chuckle when reading this. It’s been tough for Gilbert, having to replace The Great Colt McCoy (who replaced Vince Young The Magnificent) in the National Championship Game against a near impossible foe in Alabama. It’s not the end of the world for Gilbert for sure, he could make a comeback as early as this year, but that is looking less likely as of now. Case McCoy is slated to start today for the Longhorns, so it’s now his job to lose.

Speaking of going in another direction, many of you have probably heard that Dolphin’s CB Benny Sapp was cut Tuesday, after being successful at stopping only 2 of 9 pass attempts against him, the biggest fish getting away being the record-tying 99-yard touchdown to Wes Welker. Sapp would be cut within hours and the Dolphin’s would bring in and sign former Dolphin Will Allen, who was cut before the start of preseason battling injuries. Fin’s Coach Tony Sparano’s explanation: “One guy was healthy and the other guy wasn’t really that healthy.” Sure coach, that’s probably one way to word it. The other way could have been to say that ‘one guy really embarrassed myself and the team on national television and the other guy wasn’t really that healthy’.

But that’s not the only gem from Sparano for the week. On player attitude after a deflating loss, Sparano would say “there’s no room for long faces…long faces will get you 0-2. I tell them all the time — there are two places you go in this league every week. You go to heaven or you go to hell. [Monday] night we went to hell. But we’re going to go to heaven.”

Q: Why the Long face? A: Just watching Fins get their a$$ beat.

Look, I’m a Dolphin’s fan and Sparano supporter, but with all do respect to the coach, I’d say giving up Long Plays will get you 0-2, and we gave up a lot of them. Also, not making Short Plays on 4th and goal from the 1. Oh, and I disagree coach, don’t all ‘dogs’ go to heaven? Besides, I’m sure a lot of players go to both after the game win or lose, it’s called Tootsie’s Cabaret.